Boarderlining Conniption

im on the verge of a breakdown. again. its like it never stops.
im trying not to use my phone, becuase my dad told me we were going over.
i really htought i was doign good. wrong. 35 dolalrs over. so i get yelled at.
so i say ill pay it.
so i get yelled at some more saying he cant afford it.

are you serious? did you not just hear me say I WILL PAY FOR IT.
too bad now me paying for it means no eating this month.
seriously.
i hardly ever eat at home due to the fact that i am never home and now i cant afford to eat.  i also have gained so much weight that i cant fit in any of my jeans. well i guess this has two perks. i will fit in my jeans, and i get to keep my phone.

so i had a very bad day. alot of pressue is coming at me from every area of my life, feeling quite overwhelmed. making me crazy. so crazy that i in fact was daydreaming about pretending to go insane so i could live in an institution so i would have to deal with it. crazy? i think yes. lol.

anyways, bad day, about to cry, go out to my car. there is a rose stuck to my windshield wipers......from mr.x. thanks mr x, for making my day better.

mmm. life is good. mostly. :-)
last night i did 5 hours of homework!
granted, 2 of those was watching sun of all fears for global. (by the way, dumbest movie i have ever seen, borrrrrrring), but still, 3 hours! jeez louise. :-)  anyway, so i had to skip church :-(. I went to bed early. it was quite nice. but then X called me and woke me up and i talked to him for about 30 seconds and then i couldnt fall back asleep..........finally did an HOUR later. lol..

today was good. i made a plan for post highschool stuff:
1) start going to the commuity college moajor: lit.
2) at the same time, go to tattoo art school, not me i know, but something i have always wanted to do....
3) by the time im done getting my associates and general out of the way iw ill have a tattooing certificate, go to a college (not just A college, i have one in mind) and get my masters in highschool lit teaching.............all the while, i can tattoo for money! whooo hooooooo!!

subject to change :-)

How do girls become so catty?

Is it in their…our…D NA make up?

Growing up I had one girl friend, and even she only half the time. This was because a girl at school we can call Melissa hated me and made all of the other girls not talk to me.

In the 7^th grade, 2 years after leaving that hellish type of existence, it was hard; I asked her why she hated me, why she felt the need to bring me down at every chance. Her reply was that she was jealous, jealous that no matter how many friends she had, no matter how much nicer and in style her clothes were, even though she had a “normal” family, people still flocked to me over her. She admitted to forcing those other girls to be her friend. This made me way sad. We could have been friends…..

And now as girls sit diagonal from me in class and have a half an hour conversation about another girl’s “oh so ugly” jeans, I don’t get it. Where do girls learn this?

im not scared to die. not really at least. im scared of the failure of death. for people to say, "she could have fought harder", not that anyone would say that, but they might think it.

im not scared of death, im scared of dying. the slow process i feel already starting. i feel the things inside me dying. do you knwo how that feels? death inside of you....?

my friend is going through the same right now, he feels his heart struggling to beat, he not supposed to live for like 5 more years or something. it hurts. it hurts that i know what he is going through. i wish no one this pain.

i have never had a doctor say i wont live till im 25, but in so many unsaid words, i know they wonder what is wrong with me, ect.

and this whole breast cancer awareness month doesnt help. im watching a lifetime movie network movie, about a woman who gets a visectamy and chemo and stuff. and im scared. i rememeber being that sick, i rememeber treatments. i remember throwing up everything i ate, i remember the killer pain in my stomach, i remember being embaressed to go out because i couldnt get the black circles under my eyes gone. and as i feel all my old sympotms, im scared to tell, because i dont wanna do it again.
i cant handle it.
please....

2 people turned to christ today.
and i helped.
you know how amazing that feels?
im working at this thing called "hellstop", a walk through drama of hell and stuff, i die in a car accident, it's intense.
anyway, at the end people can either go into a door to ask questions, leave (hell), or worship (heaven).
8 people chose the question mark, 2 accepted christ!

oh life. why do you torture me so?
these are my problems:
1) my mom wants to kill herself.
2) today my dad decided he thinks that i am "sneeking around behind his back to see X all of the time", which is a lie, i havent lied or kept any truth from my parents.
3) my 13 year old sister is throwing up all the food she eats.
4) one of my best friends is thinking of marines. not liking that i idea
5) im eating away my problems, but im eating nothing but ice cream.

i dont' know what to do.
cant this just be over.
please come back god,
im ready to go to heaven.

im not depressed, nor thinking about suicide.....just, i dunno, i wish jesus would come and take me away from everything.

mmm homecoming. amazing.

it was amazing.

You say I don’t know what it’s like to be in agonizing pain, knowing you will die soon.

BULL..
just because YOU don’t know everything about ME.

A friend of mine and I got in a debate on assisted suicide, which I am completely against.
He thinks it is acceptable if the person is in enough pain.
then said the top sentence.

HA, I only WISH I didn’t know what it was like.

About a year and a half ago I found out I might have stomach cancer.

The results of this are seizures, vomiting, and INTENSE, HORRIBLE stomach pain.

There were days I couldn’t’ get out of bed, did my homeschool work in bed.

I still go through it. Just have “control”.

But you know what, your right, I DON’T know agonizing pain.

AND THEN HE STARTED IN ON DPERESSION PILLS.

she is afraid of brids. deathly. afriad of birds. rediculus. no? lol. its kind of ironic. go look at my myspace: url crayzeekate. but i like it alot.

there is this man.
his name is taye diggs.

he is GORGEOUS.

agree?

oh, and, I LOVE the show grey's anatomy.

i told my mom.
i have had 4 seizures in the past 5 days.
now she wants to take me to a neurologist.
im so sick of doctors.

how about we talk about "the boy" today.
i like that subject.
I watched his bowling tonight.
wonderful
:-)
i hope he can find another job soon.
pray for that, pray for him, lots of things, please please please.
i like him so much.
i like the respect i knwo he has for me.
he hasnt tried to touch me.
no holding hands, nothing.
I LIKE HIM.
:-)

okay, im done being a stupid giddy girl

I have to keep remembering that with simple words he spoke the sun into light. He spoke everything into place. I have to remember He IS that powerful. AND that He CAN do miracles. There is nothing He cannot do. If He wants.

<br>

i performed basically all of chicago for two friends, by myself.
amazing? i think yes

Did I ever tell you guys how much of a hypocrite I am?

Well I am.

My friend is having health problems.

Health problems he decides to ignore instead of getting them fixed.

They scare me.

I ell him to get it fixed.

Ye the last 2 seizures I have had, I neglect to tell my mom about them

Why is this?

Why is it so easy for me to tell him o tell and get it fixed.

When I cant do it.

Im so scared.

Scared of finding out something is wrong.

That’s why I didn’t get the last test to find out whether I had cancer.

Its easier treating the symptoms and ignoring.

everyone!

i have a project for you all!
wish list.
I would like everyones wish list.
not necessarily material things, everything
here is mine (subject to change )

i wish i wasnt always sick
I wish everyone would beleive in God
I wish that school came easy to me
I wish that college was cheaper :-)
I wish that i was always sunny, even when it rained.
Except at night lol
I wish that I could hear a child laughter every time I was sad.
I wish I smelled like a baby after it's bath (dont they smell glorious?)
I wish people would think kinder thoughts towards Bush. Even if I don't really care for him, I feel bad for him.
I wish fairies where real.
I wish I had gotten a tattoo today, maybe two.
I wish I could go to tattoo school AND george fox.
I wish I could find out who I was going to marry, or at least the age I was going to marry at.
I wish I knew how many kids I was going to have.
I wish I had a million dollars.
I wish I had enough money for pay off my ticket, lol. basically.
I wish I could bring food to everyone who will be going hungry this week
I wish I had Oprah's power.
I wish life wasn' such a hypocrite.

cool thing i found:

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it.

Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it. If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of priviledge.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years. Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children. Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!

so its interesting how things work.
I have been feeling liek i don't fit in at school.
Im lonely.

My aunt wrote me a letter from God. It says Im not supposed to fit in, I was made to be different. AND thats all swat was about last night. (youth group)

I lvoe how god uses other people

homecoming countdown: one week and 5 days