Boarderlining Conniption

sorry bout that movie play off ;-) I bought a new pair of jeans. my first pain of women's jeans rather than teen jeans. no more abercrombie/hollister jeans for me, my hips are getting too big and my waist too small. becoming a woman. lol. they fit incredably. i spent 58 dollars on them, far too much, but hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. i had an mri, usually i wear sweats to my routine dr appts and dress up for serious ones, dont ask why, it makes me feel better. and with the mirror faced out so i wouldnt get closterphobic (which i dont get), all the while the banging going on around my head, I could stare at how nice my jeans looked on me. vain? maybe. but, then again, a woman wore red lipstick when she got her boobs cut off and they made a movie out of it.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! !!! Now I just wish that scream was in real life.
My sister is insane. I get on my laptop and go to my myspace thingy, it has someone else's email in it.......not hers, not mine....how's is it?

i ask her, because she was last on, she doesn't know, she has no idea who it is, she didn't do it, blah blah blah.

so. i go on and check on the search on whom it is....the profile is private but it says the info on the side....interesting, the kid lives in our city, is my sisers age...and oh even more interesting, his "headline" is "i love ...." that ...... was actually my sister's name.

i dont care that its in there, but why the heck does she have to lie? i brought it up again, she still denies. she says she didnt say she didnt know him, that she said she knew one that had a myspace. that i didn]t listen. which is another lie. i can tell when she lies, she gets this certain tone of voice, liek a defensive, but don't want to act liek i really care, tone.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH

oh dear. finals where this week. doing pretty good.
not over yet, but i thought i would fill you in.
yesterday i didn;t even get home until 9 ish.
BAH, between theatre and church, i have no life.
i really like when theatre gets busy, its a good kind of stress, a good kind of busy.

today i felt let down.
i had to go to lunch by myself, all my friends ditched me, lol. then i had an ephifany, which it is good i had it, but it still sucked none the less, and then i wanted to go worko ut, but that isn't working out.

Im trying to realize people do not neglect you on purpose, in spite, they just don't think.

 

finals this week. sorry so quiet :-)

thanks for the advice everyone..........about the submission thing.

Don’t read this unless you are ready for a heart pour out. That is what I'm doing, I realize now after reading it over. Sorry it’s so long, but my heart is pouring, not dripping, you must remember. 
I don’t get it. Honestly I don’t. Is it so horrible to calmly ask things, or to discuss things?
All my life, I have never felt it okay to discuss things with my dad. Like mentioning anything I am feeling is some sort of sin, submission to another level type of thing. I never noticed it until recently when I read a book about how a father/daughter Christian relationship should be.
Every time I try to talk to him about anything that isn’t small talk, it’s like I have stepped over this thin but high line.
The biggest event lately is my biggest pet peeve is when people don’t have respect for other people’s things.  And I have been having a problem of people eating my food. I don’t mean food that I choose out of our stuff, I mean food I specifically bought with my own money, and for a 17 year old who doesn’t have a job or any money, any amount of money is expensive.  Every time I buy food, someone eats it. I honestly wouldn’t mind if they would ask, but no one does, even when my name is written on it.
today my dad was eating my chips I bought, not a big deal right, but then when someone mentions how they are mine, he acts like "who cares?" like just because he raised me and has supported me, I deserve no respect. that’s what gets me, I don’t think my dad owes me anything, I just hate how I am not even looked at with respect.  This week I have read a whole hidden chapter in my mind I have been trying to over look, it is so beyond words, but I suppose I can try:

All my life I either have to have things absolutely perfect or I give up and settle for good enough. I never try my hardest unless I know I will succeed. Most see this as lazy, and I have never been able to describe it except for I am scared of failing, I’m scared of working hard and it not working out. But this fear of failure comes from this inferiority complex. I never feel good enough, as good as everyone else, and those come from my dad. I do not blame my dad for my problems, but I let him get to me. Every time I accidentally drop something, don't clean something up correctly, I wouldn't get yelled at, just this look of utter disappointment. I would rather be yelled at.  I have always felt not good enough for him. My sisters were both into sports; they had a time to bond with him. I didn’t, the girliest girl in the whole world, we have nothing in common. So I have forced myself to have interests that I don’t have, just for him. So we can like things the same. I love spicy food, but it was only after years of torturing me with burned tongues and awful stomach aches, all so I could have something in common with him.  I never understood why I was never enough for him.

This is why I cry over everything.  I took me so long, so much therapy to get to the point where I would express any feeling, before I would just cry every time someone touched me or I bumped into something, I found that excuse to cry. All because I never felt it okays to do this. My opinion does not matter to my dad because I am a girl. In my family men are much more respected then women.  Even when I sort of worked with my dad. I felt like arm candy more than anything. I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I can’t talk about anything. I’m the daughter, I’m the teenager, I’m the girl, and I’m the kid. He’s right, I’m wrong, always. No acceptations…..

 

Oh dear oh dear.

Life is a crazy spiral is it not?

Well, I have been writing more.
I have like 4 books started, none will ever get finished due to the fact that I just start another one about 4 chapters in :-) I knwo how every one of them would go and end, but I just get so excited about my new idea for a book.....

Today I went to the gym, I love working out, I hate it while it is happening, but the feeling of accomplishment you have after is amazing.  Tonight I will be hangning out with some friends and my younger sister.

Prayer request: My friend's siser just moved in with him and his wife, I pray that she will find God.

K

:-( i wrote a post and then it stopped.

im a lucky person:
yesterday was a snow day, today black ice, weekend, then MLK day on monday. YAY!

short but sweet.

why am i so incredably ungreateful??!
I went to pick up my last paycheck yesterday, I was seasonal.
anyways, expecting about 50 bucks, i ended up getting one for 235.
I was so happy about it.
for my birthday my mom and i have talked about going to get massages together, something i need, i have some bones out of place and it might feel nice.
the other day when i was shopping for food for my birthday my mom said, dont worrya bout buying it, your dad and i will get the bill..............i was like, cool, right?
WRONG.
She is now saying that THAT was my birthday present.
Its really not cool to me because I could have bought the food or at least she could have told me that was her plan.

I dunno, its upsetting me, even though I have been greatly blessed.....

GAH

o lord,
please help me stay grateful.
even when things do not go the way i had expected, help me stay happy with teh way they do go.
i am sorry for feeling negative towards my family with the birthday-present situation.

amen

hey so it snowed last night and its amazing.
my dad got in an accident though. but he is very good, the truck isnt......

love everyone.

thanks for all the "happy birthday"s!

Ill

 

It’s like a sneaker wave
attacks without warning,

You go to sleep fine

Wake up dead in the morning.

 

Like that same wave

It knocks you down.

When the wave draws back, you get up

Just so another can come and push you around.

 

Sickness has no mercy,

Doesn’t care that you’re in its way.

It pushes and kicks, tears and pulls

Like a pit bull at play.

 

You pray for it to give you a break,

To compromise with you.

Maybe to give you one moment without pain,

A type of relief you wish you never knew.

 

For if there was no hope

Maybe you wouldn’t complain,

But then again, perhaps

You would become insane.