Boarderlining Conniption

i thought i knew what i wanted, all my 17 years i didnt have any other huge goals besides getting married and having kids. i changed my mind, i realized i cannot depend on that or i will settle for a guy i don't love. then i started questioning even wanting kids. now as i look at pictures of a new baby a friend jut had, i have realized: its what i want, im scared to have it. im scard that i wont be happy. im scared of being in a relationship that im not happy in

a winecooler was found at my house. the morning after my sister had a friend over. it was blamed on me. it was not mine, i have been at applebees till 1 that morning. my sister blamed me for something she did. to get out of trouble. i just don't get it. anyways, boyfriend, he emailed her and all he said was "not cool" and she got mad and then he said, just be nice to your sister. she gets mad. im sorry my boyfriend knows how much i am hurting lately and how mean you have been to me. i am sorry that he wants to protect me.

i hate this house. i hate everything about it. i hate living under a loveless roof. tere is no love in my family. there has never been an example of it, the head of the family unit, the parents, don't love eachother. how can you expect a family to function without that. that was the first step. don't try to work backwards. i can't live here. i can't. it is making me a hateful person.

i have found a way to tell when i am depressed.....or have too much time on my hands, when i get on here. i am the first. I cannot do anything right anymore. Everyone complains that I dont spend enough time at home, but the second I walk into the door people are yelling at me, mostly my 13 year old sister. Why the hell would I want to come home to this? And all this negativty to finding its way into other parts of my life, like my body image and my friendships. I'm trying so hard to fight off the feelings I have been having. I cannot handle it. There is only one person who listens to me, truly listens and without judgement, but I cannot fully depend on him because he is a guy i am seeing and that would take things to the next level. I just need someone to hold me and tell me what I am worth to them, specific things I do that make them proud of me, and how much they love me. I need a tangible person, I love God, but I am very lonely right now. I am always everyone else's leaning post but I dont have one. I try and carry everyone else's problems because I hate to see people in pain, but I have no one to help carry mine. Don't get me wrong, I have God. But God isn't here, I cannot hug God, I need a best friend and slowly the ones I thought I had are proving themselves otherwise.