Boarderlining Conniption

what are your thoughts?? my boyfriend is moving a 7 hour drive away in august. need, tips, concerns, ect.....

dont you get it? i need you. i want you to help me. because i cant do it alone. please don;t go, im not ready. talk to me abotu this, so i dont have to bring it up. Im crazy, I have problems. And you are the only one i trust to get that.

i`m tired of everyone making such a big deal over my mistakes. in the end we`re all human and we all mess up. i think they need to take a look around and see how many times they have done some one wrong and stop judging me. and im scared to say goodbye

im not ready to say goodbye, if even for a short period of time. i don't know that i can handle only seeing you once a month, or less. love you

i thought i knew what i wanted, all my 17 years i didnt have any other huge goals besides getting married and having kids. i changed my mind, i realized i cannot depend on that or i will settle for a guy i don't love. then i started questioning even wanting kids. now as i look at pictures of a new baby a friend jut had, i have realized: its what i want, im scared to have it. im scard that i wont be happy. im scared of being in a relationship that im not happy in

a winecooler was found at my house. the morning after my sister had a friend over. it was blamed on me. it was not mine, i have been at applebees till 1 that morning. my sister blamed me for something she did. to get out of trouble. i just don't get it. anyways, boyfriend, he emailed her and all he said was "not cool" and she got mad and then he said, just be nice to your sister. she gets mad. im sorry my boyfriend knows how much i am hurting lately and how mean you have been to me. i am sorry that he wants to protect me.

i hate this house. i hate everything about it. i hate living under a loveless roof. tere is no love in my family. there has never been an example of it, the head of the family unit, the parents, don't love eachother. how can you expect a family to function without that. that was the first step. don't try to work backwards. i can't live here. i can't. it is making me a hateful person.

i have found a way to tell when i am depressed.....or have too much time on my hands, when i get on here. i am the first. I cannot do anything right anymore. Everyone complains that I dont spend enough time at home, but the second I walk into the door people are yelling at me, mostly my 13 year old sister. Why the hell would I want to come home to this? And all this negativty to finding its way into other parts of my life, like my body image and my friendships. I'm trying so hard to fight off the feelings I have been having. I cannot handle it. There is only one person who listens to me, truly listens and without judgement, but I cannot fully depend on him because he is a guy i am seeing and that would take things to the next level. I just need someone to hold me and tell me what I am worth to them, specific things I do that make them proud of me, and how much they love me. I need a tangible person, I love God, but I am very lonely right now. I am always everyone else's leaning post but I dont have one. I try and carry everyone else's problems because I hate to see people in pain, but I have no one to help carry mine. Don't get me wrong, I have God. But God isn't here, I cannot hug God, I need a best friend and slowly the ones I thought I had are proving themselves otherwise.

i never told you guys.
wizard of oz, the musical, at my school, im glinda the good witch. that is why i have been so busy. home sick today.

hey everyone, sorry about this huge delay. i have only been home one night this whole springbreak! spent every night at my friend erin's house. it was fun. life was hectic though, wednesday i almost moved out. not being a rebellious teen, just life is so hectic here, i can't handle it. i get depressed, like seriously. anyways, i decided not to though because me n my mom talked some things out. basically though all it is, is me saying okay, ill ignore the hurt and just sit here until i graduate so my mom doesnt get more depressed. today my guy friend(lol) came home from being one for 9 days. he came over to erins and we ate a good dinner and watched planet earth. so i got to spend about 2 hours with him. enough to make me realize how much i missed him. and tomorrow i wont see him. but im so glad i got to. got my prom dress, really pretty......hes going with me. anyways, my camera still messed up, cant post a picture of the baby yet. but she is beautiful.

my sister had her baby! cutest thing in the world. i got to watch. 5 lbs 12 oz. holland. gorgeous......

the only reason i have time to write any on tblog: i have horrid allergies that are making me sick :-(

anyways, life is a crazy rollercoaster, one half of my life is pretty awesome, the other half sucks.
so i will start with the bad stuff, so that i can end on a good note.

ma famille:
my daddy moved out, my parents are....i don't know, i don't know what is going to happen. I think if both of them decide that they want to work things out, they can, but I don't know theat either of them are sure they want to work things out. My dad says he does, I don't one hundred percent beleive him, I don't think he is lieing, I just don't think he really knows. And then my poor mommy is up and down, one second she is one way, the next she is the exact opposite. Anyway, I'm not worried, God'll work it out the way he wants to, I don't care anymore. I mean, I do care, but I'm not worried. But, my sisters, my younger sister is just never ocming home, whether she asks or not, she is constantly over at her friend's houses, and my youngest sister is getting in fights at school, stealing and stuff.

Oh other stuff, my friends are good, I'm hanging out with friends, and it is good. There is this boy that I like. We are like best of friends and we just hang out. Oh, yeah, same guy from valentines day....anyways, he is basically becoming one of my best friends and its awesome, he is way cool, everyone likes him. super chill, lets me be who i am..... School is good, busy but thats the way I like it. See ya'll.

 

Kate

What is in the back seat of your car right now?
my backpack. Nevermind, no its not, I have no clue

What did you dream about last night?
no idea, I was sooo tired.

What was the last thing you had to drink?
iced tea

What are you wearing right now?
jeans, black shoes, red and white shirt, white jacket.

Last food you ate?
Mexican. Meh.

Have you ever left the country?
no

What’s the last sporting event you watched?
football.

What makes you nervous?
mmmmmmmmm. Lotsa things.

Do you like sushi?
depends on what kind.

Do you have a tan?
somewhat, I have tan lines.

What’s one thing you want but can't have right now?
friends to hang out with.

What are your siblings middle names?
grace and lynn

Where is your mom right now?
on the deck.

What was the last thing you said?
“not if she’s watching it you can’t”

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
beach, friends……..

Do you like watching a bonfire?
YES< BEACH<FRIENDs…& hellip;

Are you allergic to anything?
yes, puff cheetos

Favorite piece of clothing you wear all the time?
underwear.

What is one thing you've learned about life recently?
relax….

Have you ever had a Latin lover?
hahahaha, no.

When the phone rings, who do you want it to be?
my phone doesn’t ring, it raves.

Do you take compliments well?
not at all.

Do you play Sudoku?
never have, don’t care to either.

If you were abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
I don’t think so.

What did your last text message say?
I think david told me he loved me or something months ago before my tex got shut off.

Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
both. Its gotta be equal duh.

Use three words to describe yourself.?
energetic, nice, easy-going

Do any songs make you cry?
one used to. I don’t think one does.

Do you know how to shoot a gun?
yes I do. Point, shoot.

How often do you read books?
every day

Favorite children's book?
sloth’s birthday, my mom got rid of my copy, I want a new one.

When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
J like Wednesday.

Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
church?

Do you like mustard?
some

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
sleep.

What movie do you want to see right now?
there are a few

Who did you last IM?
i dont use IM

Was your mom a cheerleader?
yes

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
not enough

Do you wear your seatbelt?
always

What do you wear to sleep?
whatever I want, its my life.

Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
meh

Is your tongue pierced?
never ever ever

Ever been to L.A.?
yup

Do you hate chocolate?
ahahaha, that’ll be the day

What do you and your parents fight about the most?
money

Are you a gullible person?
probably, just cuz I don’t expect people to lie

Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
not at all

If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
to work at a mental institution

Are you easy to get along with?
I think so

What is your favorite time of day?
night

okay.

everything is going right.wrong.
right=im happy.
wrong= my family is falling apart.

my ssiter and are are closer and happy but my parents, i dunno.
my dad isnt even staying at home.

?

it was amazing.
a certain boy i have been seeing for a tiny bit brought me an arrangement of flowers that fit me to a T. sunflowers with daisies. simple and fun.  then he asked me to be his valentine. i have never been big on valentines day, it isn't because im alone, i have basically always had someone on valentines day, its just over rated. but this boy, made it good, but simple and casual and it was fun. then he asked me out on a date, we played video games and then went to see a movie.

i had alot of fun. alot.
thanks boy.

life has gotten incredably confusing for me in the past week.
i am only going to touch base on one subject though, because it seems to be the biggest, if not possibly the root of everything else. My relationship with my father.

i have written about it before, we all know it isn't perfect.

Because I am seventeen years old, I am startng to break away from my parents, trying to find some sort of independence, starting to think for myself, things I have not yet done before. I am finding this independence thing hard because either I feel like I should not be making the decisions, and just don't, or my dad for no reason beyond what i can see as just wanting to control, grips on tighter.

He won't communicate, or can't, I don't know. We have never talked things  through, there has never been discussions, I have never been apart of decisions, so I cannot make them. And now, I am finally getting these guts that I never had, growing up and breaking free of this hold and I think it is killing him. He now finds my having opinions, disrespectful and such because he is not used to me speaking out.

No one I know at my school has to check in with their parents, and their parents knwo where they are at all times, mine do, this does not bug me. at all. what bugs me is when 9:30 rolls around and my dad says, "shouldn't you be getting in bed?" I'm 17 years old, I think by this point I can tell when I need to go to bed.
I am so scared of growing up because I am not making any sort of transition, I will just be dropped into it. He isn't giving me any sort of slack for a transition. So, part of me is scared this is the way it will be the rest of my life, me scared to speak out against him, under his rule like "everybody loves raymond" typa thing, and the other part of me is scared life is going to say, okay grow up now, and dad is going to say, yeah grow up now, and let me, but i will still be sitting there wondering when i am supposed to go to bed..............

    & nbsp;  here is how to describe what i mean: i ask if i can go out, he acts like it is some huge he needs to think about for a few days, like me going to the moon or antarctica for a few decades..... when it really isn't a big deal, he is just doing it because it's some power trip, he knows that if he says no, i can't go.  his classic line "i dunno kate, i'll have to think about it" which he never does, i just keep asking, and he never thinks about it, and then my plans fall through because i didn't get back to the other people on time......

 the fact that he is gripping on tighter makes me have this rebellious attitude which i don't want and its just horrible.

my sister, thirteen. moving out? i guess.

oh life you are so silly.

 i love life right now. im just haveing so much fun, hanign otu with friends, being incredably tired all the time, lol. but sorry been so short lately, been ultra busy!!!!

im gunna die. i have been up since 4 o clock am, slept 3 hours last night..........

so much is going on, i dont even knwo where to begin. lemme start with the good news:
my bestest friend and her boyfriend broke up. good news because he was conrolling and we didnt get along. she is happy single. now im playing cupid, its awful. AWFULly fun ;-)
we went on a double non date thing with my theatre partner and his best friend. im starting to kind of like my theatre partner. which is all well and good because the feelings are returned......except he is broken up with his girlfriend, but it is just a break, they have been together for three years, he is not sure whether he wants to throw that out the window or not, een though they never get along and none of his friends like her and blah blah blah. whatever, i still like hanging out with him even if nothing can be there, thats not a problem for me.

there is just family issues..........i dunno...........

sorry bout that movie play off ;-) I bought a new pair of jeans. my first pain of women's jeans rather than teen jeans. no more abercrombie/hollister jeans for me, my hips are getting too big and my waist too small. becoming a woman. lol. they fit incredably. i spent 58 dollars on them, far too much, but hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. i had an mri, usually i wear sweats to my routine dr appts and dress up for serious ones, dont ask why, it makes me feel better. and with the mirror faced out so i wouldnt get closterphobic (which i dont get), all the while the banging going on around my head, I could stare at how nice my jeans looked on me. vain? maybe. but, then again, a woman wore red lipstick when she got her boobs cut off and they made a movie out of it.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! !!! Now I just wish that scream was in real life.
My sister is insane. I get on my laptop and go to my myspace thingy, it has someone else's email in it.......not hers, not mine....how's is it?

i ask her, because she was last on, she doesn't know, she has no idea who it is, she didn't do it, blah blah blah.

so. i go on and check on the search on whom it is....the profile is private but it says the info on the side....interesting, the kid lives in our city, is my sisers age...and oh even more interesting, his "headline" is "i love ...." that ...... was actually my sister's name.

i dont care that its in there, but why the heck does she have to lie? i brought it up again, she still denies. she says she didnt say she didnt know him, that she said she knew one that had a myspace. that i didn]t listen. which is another lie. i can tell when she lies, she gets this certain tone of voice, liek a defensive, but don't want to act liek i really care, tone.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH

oh dear. finals where this week. doing pretty good.
not over yet, but i thought i would fill you in.
yesterday i didn;t even get home until 9 ish.
BAH, between theatre and church, i have no life.
i really like when theatre gets busy, its a good kind of stress, a good kind of busy.

today i felt let down.
i had to go to lunch by myself, all my friends ditched me, lol. then i had an ephifany, which it is good i had it, but it still sucked none the less, and then i wanted to go worko ut, but that isn't working out.

Im trying to realize people do not neglect you on purpose, in spite, they just don't think.

 

finals this week. sorry so quiet :-)

thanks for the advice everyone..........about the submission thing.

Don’t read this unless you are ready for a heart pour out. That is what I'm doing, I realize now after reading it over. Sorry it’s so long, but my heart is pouring, not dripping, you must remember. 
I don’t get it. Honestly I don’t. Is it so horrible to calmly ask things, or to discuss things?
All my life, I have never felt it okay to discuss things with my dad. Like mentioning anything I am feeling is some sort of sin, submission to another level type of thing. I never noticed it until recently when I read a book about how a father/daughter Christian relationship should be.
Every time I try to talk to him about anything that isn’t small talk, it’s like I have stepped over this thin but high line.
The biggest event lately is my biggest pet peeve is when people don’t have respect for other people’s things.  And I have been having a problem of people eating my food. I don’t mean food that I choose out of our stuff, I mean food I specifically bought with my own money, and for a 17 year old who doesn’t have a job or any money, any amount of money is expensive.  Every time I buy food, someone eats it. I honestly wouldn’t mind if they would ask, but no one does, even when my name is written on it.
today my dad was eating my chips I bought, not a big deal right, but then when someone mentions how they are mine, he acts like "who cares?" like just because he raised me and has supported me, I deserve no respect. that’s what gets me, I don’t think my dad owes me anything, I just hate how I am not even looked at with respect.  This week I have read a whole hidden chapter in my mind I have been trying to over look, it is so beyond words, but I suppose I can try:

All my life I either have to have things absolutely perfect or I give up and settle for good enough. I never try my hardest unless I know I will succeed. Most see this as lazy, and I have never been able to describe it except for I am scared of failing, I’m scared of working hard and it not working out. But this fear of failure comes from this inferiority complex. I never feel good enough, as good as everyone else, and those come from my dad. I do not blame my dad for my problems, but I let him get to me. Every time I accidentally drop something, don't clean something up correctly, I wouldn't get yelled at, just this look of utter disappointment. I would rather be yelled at.  I have always felt not good enough for him. My sisters were both into sports; they had a time to bond with him. I didn’t, the girliest girl in the whole world, we have nothing in common. So I have forced myself to have interests that I don’t have, just for him. So we can like things the same. I love spicy food, but it was only after years of torturing me with burned tongues and awful stomach aches, all so I could have something in common with him.  I never understood why I was never enough for him.

This is why I cry over everything.  I took me so long, so much therapy to get to the point where I would express any feeling, before I would just cry every time someone touched me or I bumped into something, I found that excuse to cry. All because I never felt it okays to do this. My opinion does not matter to my dad because I am a girl. In my family men are much more respected then women.  Even when I sort of worked with my dad. I felt like arm candy more than anything. I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I can’t talk about anything. I’m the daughter, I’m the teenager, I’m the girl, and I’m the kid. He’s right, I’m wrong, always. No acceptations…..